Doing the People's Business

Every once in a while it's good for Americans to stop and ask the following question: What, exactly, are our elected officials up to, other than sneaking off to Argentina for an illicit rendezvous or resigning from office because people are being mean or keeping the teleprompter industry afloat?

In keeping with this blog's mission to bring readers the most important news, I of course began with the hot issue of the day, that being the alarming fact that America is overrun with exotic creatures.

At least that's the case according to a story in the Miami Herald which begins with the following sentence:

From Chinese mitten crabs in Chesapeake Bay to the Coqui tree frog in Hawaii, exotic creatures have overrun America from sea to shining sea.

I was aware of tree frogs, but until now had no idea that they were taking over our red-blooded American trees. I had never even heard of the Chinese mitten crab, but I don't see a problem here. I've always thought we'd be safer if all crabs wore mittens.

According to the story, dealing with these and other exotic animals costs the United States nearly $100 billion per year.

Federal agencies charged with combatting the invaders acknowledged they've been overwhelmed by thousands of species, many arriving in the bilge water of sea-going freighters but also coming in as pets, clinging to produce or sneaking in through dozens of other pathways.

This information could present a major problem if human illegal immigrants learn from their animal counterparts. The good news is that our elected officials are on top of this issue:

Florida Sen. Bill Nelson delivered a vivid show-and-tell to lawmakers, unrolling the skin of a Burmese python killed in Everglades National Park, all 17 feet of it.

That's one way to clear out a hearing room. Perhaps they could start using the python skin to repel protesters who interrupt hearings.

The Florida Democrat is now calling for a "python hunt" in South Florida. In a letter to Interior Secretary Ken Salazar, Nelson wrote: "Lord forbid, a visitor in the Everglades ever encounters one." The Senator seems to be missing something here. The idea of a visitor encountering a python in the Everglades is what's known as a "tourist attraction," especially if it were done on a "python hunt." It would even save the US government some money, as tourists would surely pay decent money to bag one of the giant snakes.

In other government/animal news, you can finally stop worrying about mermaids, The Penguin and that weird dude from Beauty and the Beast.

Senator Sam Brownback has once again introduced legislation to ban human-animal hybrids. Brownback's long-running crusade is centered on his opposition to "blur[ring] the line between species." (Has he looked around at his colleagues lately?) The Kansas Republican said he is "optimistic that our nation will make a sound choice for the generations to come. Already, in Louisiana last month, Governor Jindal signed legislation into law that would prohibit the creation of human-animal hybrids."

I could get behind this legislation if they would include an amendment that would prevent this -- the most bizarre commercial ever -- from ever appearing on my TV again: